Grief as a Pathway of Growth & Healing

And she wore a mane of daisies when she took her last breath...

It is hard to believe it has been two years since I posted here on my blog.

A LOT of growth has happened since then...mostly through the catalyst of the depths and darkness of grief.

On May 24, 2024, our sweet Mare, Penny ascended to Spirit Realm after a long journey of illness and dis-ease. It was 11:11am on that day that she took her last breath in my arms, surrounding by the loving Herd.

When she died, a wave of grief came over me that was so strong. Keeping in mind, our dear Otis (5 year old standard poodle with whom I shared a very special connection) passed away suddenly and tragically only one year prior on January 1. Grief was comin' in hot and I had to choose whether I was going to try and escape it or fully embrace it.

At this point in my journey, I know very well that what we try to run from will make its way back to us in circles, over and over again, until we finally face it. Of course, if we choose to, we can continue to run from it, although our efforts will tend to intensify causing major imbalance and disharmony in the all facets of self - typically via harmful habits and recurring unhealthy patterns.

Whoever first said 'you have to FEEL it to HEAL it' was bang on right.

And my incredible Animal Guides were going to make sure of it!

I read once that in some ancient cultures, people would gather around someone who was grieving, not only to offer them comfort but to receive their wisdom as it was said that a grieving person is a direct portal to Source/Spirit/God. When I read this, I couldn't have felt it to be more true as I had experienced such profound awakening through grief in the past, and was about to once again.

After Penny's death, I had a very interesting experience like nothing I had experienced before. It was a galactic type of journey during a meditation that literally took me 'up to the stars' where I saw all sorts of constellations and a mix of colors. When I looked down, I could see my life like a video playing in my mind's eye. It was weird, fascinating, revealing and scary all at the same time.

What stood out the most was what she showed me about my marriage, which had taken a difficult turn during the few years prior to Penny's death. I started to see things from a perspective that I had never seen them from before. It wasn't necessarily 'negative' it was just very different and it felt very true for me.

I want to be clear that I am not writing this to put down my former husband. He and I shared a special bond through 22 years together, our beautiful son and the two beloved farms we had that I continue to feel extremely grateful for. AND I also see all the ways in which our marriage was built on a weak foundation made up of both of our histories of trauma. You can only build so much on a weak foundation and ours had inevitably collapsed at our feet. We were BOTH being called to grow and heal through our separation. That was clear. And we have both answered the call through the mutual decision to part ways to continue to walk our paths with authenticity.

Grief was the catalyst to this growth. And there was no looking back.

We sold our beautiful farm and parted ways. And that brings us to this moment. One year later, pretty much to the day.

The synchronicities have been too many to list. It is incredible how Spirit speaks to us through the language of energy, symbols and signs. The only criteria we have to meet in order to be privy to this magnificent language is that we have to willing to listen. By listening, it means we have to be willing to let go of control, expectation and attachment and surrender to the Divine Nature of who we really are. We are part of Nature itself and we are ALL in symbiotic relationship together. There is no mistaking it.

Every person, animal, place and experience that organically shows up in our lives holds the role of student AND teacher - listener AND guide, all at the same time. When we allow it, we ebb and flow together like the rivers and oceans, moved by the Moon, powered by the Sun, held by the Trees, serenaded by the Birdsong...we move together this way like a dance of perfect rhythm and harmony.

What is most interesting is what happens when we DON'T allow the natural rhythm of our lives to unfold. We place great resistance on Nature and the manifestation shows up in our bodies and minds...and unsettled spirits. The body will whisper for, sometimes, years, until it finally screams, at which time we often have no choice but to listen.

At the end of my marriage, despite my 'healthy' lifestyle filled with clean eating, Yoga, mindfulness, exercise and nature, I had the physical manifestations of the imbalance I was experiencing and the suppressed emotions I was holding onto. I had become overweight, depressed, anxious and my cholesterol levels were through the roof. I had been under the guidance of my Naturopathic and medical doctors, who both said that levels were generally very slow to drop and would take a couple of years to show any significant changes. My medical doctor offered me medication to expedite the process, which I kindly refused.

Six months after the separation, my cholesterol levels (and all of my bloodwork) were of someone in perfect health, without any cause for concern. I had also let go of over forty pounds of fat that was being stored on my body as a way to comfort myself and also symbolizing 'carrying the weight of the world' which I very much felt I was doing by the end of the marriage. Hormonally, cortisol had played a major role in this weight gain as a result of high stress levels and tension.

When my Horses moved to the farm where they now live and I continue to care for them every day, I experienced a very severe lung infection. I could hardly breathe. In metaphysical anatomy, the lungs are the space where unprocessed grief is stored. I was processing so much grief that my body was experiencing yet another imbalance. Within a few months of deep honoring and allowing - surrendering to the natural process of my grief, the lung infection passed through without any major interventions.

I share all of this as a powerful reminder of these important things:

We are all nature. Sometimes storms come through to clear the path and reveal the rainbow.

Animals, Trees, Birds, Clouds...all of nature is here with us in symbiotic relationship. Once we realize this, we are privy to incredible amounts of wisdom and guidance from the 'more than human' world.

Trust your body. Your body will manifest your emotions and energies that are off balance will show up in you. We all have the innate wisdom and ability to restore balance in ourselves - mind, body and spirit - IF we ALLOW the natural process to occur and get out of our own way. In order to do this, a supportive, nourishing and conducive environment has to be created within the self. This means living truthful to your authentic self.

Letting go is one of the most difficult things to do in this lifetime. Letting go of what we thought we should have or who we thought we should be. At the same time, trying to live a life that is not authentic to our true nature will take us down, hard, whether through major physical or mental health challenges.

All good things are born from the darkness. A caterpillar emerges from the dark cocoon as a beautiful butterfly; a seed breaks through the dark soil and blossoms into a radiant flower; new life is born from the darkness of the womb. We don't need to fear the darkness of life, but rather embody the courage to face it with the knowing that it is a necessary part of our growth and evolution. They say 'root to rise'...the deeper we are willing to dig into the dirt, the richer the soil is that feeds our growth!

Life is the Field of Wisdom and we are all students AND teachers. We enter each others lives for a reason, a season and, the rare few, for a lifetime. Being open to learning from one another is an essential part of our true nature and one of the many blessings of this life.

a year later, daisies appeared all along the fence line reminding us of the light at the other side of the darkness...

I believe healing happens in those full circle moments. Sometimes they are very small and simple and other times they are bigger and more obvious.

Just over a year ago, I buried my Mare with daisies in her mane. A few weeks later, daisies were all over the pasture fields. Today, when I was with the rest of the Herd, I noticed daisies in full bloom along the fence line. I couldn't help but smile, knowing we were slowly but surely making our way to the other side of the darkness of grief, guided by the light of our true essence...Joy.

And that is how the new name of my practice was born as 'JoyRise'...a practice that holds the lamp for you to walk through the darkness and emerge in the brightness of your heart light. It is our birthright to feel Joy and the only thing that holds most of us back from it is our fear of its paradoxical nature. The Yin and Yang, the Joy and Pain, the Darkness and the Light.

If you are still reading this, I thank you for taking the time to read my deep thoughts and feelings and for sticking with me throughout this journey. Serving you has been one of my greatest privileges in this life and I feel very blessed to be breaking through the dark soil bearing more wisdom and tools to support you in your JoyRise too!

With love and gratitude,

Fotini Chandrika

welcome to JoyRise.ca Restorative Wellness...it is time to THRIVE!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

―Marianne Williamson,A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"